January 2, 2008

Wow! One day into the new year and it’s already overly complicated. I found out that my best friend has a crush on me. He wants to date and I don’t have a darn clue what to do. I don’t want to ruin our friendship and he is going to be going to college in a few months, then the military after that. Things would be so rough. After I am done with college I just want to stay here in Ferry, but that wouldn’t be an option. I know that’s looking really far into the future, but I have a lot of what-ifs. Also, I’m not really over my ex. I still love him and I know that if told me he wanted me back I would jump at the opportunity. We are still good friends, but it just doesn’t feel quite right. We had our hard times-and believe me there were a lot of them-, but I’ve never felt so perfect with another person in my entire life. Everytime I kiss someone else thoughts of him pop into my mind. It doesn’t feel right with anyone but him. I wish he could see that. Which brings me to another predicament, I don’t want to lose my best friend. Whether we date or not, things are going to be awkward, they already are. I just don’t know what to do.

A Newly Realized Perspective

December 29, 2007

Ever heard the saying “in love with love”? I think thats my problem. I always have to have someone by my side to make me happy, even if they don’t truly make me happy. Coming out of  a long, serious relationship, I’m beginning to wonder if I truly did love him, or if I was just used to having someone around. I wish I could sort through my feelings. It’s awful to think I might’ve wasted over a year for nothing but heartache.
I wonder if I ever will know what love truly is. I know writing this it sounds as though I feel hopeless and miserable, but I know there’s a lot out there to explore and do in the world. I know someday I will be happy, I just wish I could figure things out. I also am sure that I have plenty of time considering my age, most girls my age would be out looking for parties and having fun with there friends. I’ve never been that type. I’ve had friends throughout my years of school, but I’ve always been the mature one, worried about her grades. So I guess, by having a guy it feels like that’s the other part of me. I’m not just a serious girl. I just haven’t ever really felt comfortable with my “girlfriends.” Granted, I do have some whom are reliable, I just don’t feel like we’re as close as we could be. I do have two wonderful guy friends though. I probably wouldn’t make it through the day without them.